FREEDOM WRITERS CLUB

THIS WEEKS FEATURED FREEDOM WRITER.

GABRIELLA ANTONIOU

 

I’m not the type of person that talks about themselves really. I mean, I can talk

about myself in general though. For example, I could tell you about a funny

moment from my childhood like... My aunty had a cat named Socks and

remember being told that when we use to visit her, I use to push Socks away

from her food while she was eating and eat her food, straight from her bowl!

See I can share that cause’ it isn’t personal to me. It’s disgusting yes, but I was

two. I bet any one of you did something disgusting when you were two. But I

cannot, for the life of me talk about anything I think is personal. I can never

talk about my dreams; I will not be able to open up about my past or the

serious parts of my childhood or discuss what is troubling me. I just won’t be

able to talk deeply about myself. I guess when I always start to talk about my

troubles or myself or anything like that, I get the feeling that I’m either boring

them, or they aren’t paying attention, they are judging me or thinking “Oh, you

think that’s bad? Step into my shoes and explore the dark lands that is my

Life!” I’ve actually got told that. Not in those exact words but I have had people

cut me off and tell me to my face “Oh please, that’s nothing compared to my

problems and my life!” and they’d go on about themselves and their problems.

Okay, I get it. I truly get that you’ve probably have been having a rough life or

going through something hard but that doesn’t give you the rights to belittle

my problems just because you think yours is worse. I’ve also had people say

while I was talking “Why are you even complaining?! You’re so pretty, what is

there to even complain about?!” Okay? I was talking to you about a horrible

mistake I recently made but somehow my appearance makes all that okay? I

don’t care if I look pretty, that isn’t going to help my problems or that I should

repress my feelings and troubles. And thanks to those kinds of people, that’s

what I do. I’m a Repressor. I keep everything in and it never comes out. It’s just

hard to find someone you trust enough to open up to and know they won’t

gossip about it behind your back or spread it around or make fun of. That

actually care about you and want to listen to your problems. And those self-

absorbed, judgemental people that I thought I meant the most to helped me

become the Repressor I am today. I was in a relationship 6-7 months ago and

he would always get annoyed at me because apparently, I would barely share

anything about myself when I had actually shared more of myself to him than I

have with anyone but he told me that I should learn how to open up and he

was right because Repression isn’t mentally good. After I broke it off, we kind

of drifted apart. But now it’s all good, we talk now and then, help each other

out with problems, mainly his though, give each other advice. He has a new

girl in his life now and I’m proud of him for that after what happened between

us. He is still there for me and cares for me and I still can’t open up to him as

much as I would like to. And I always think to myself, “If I can’t open up to

someone who after what I did to him and everything we’ve been through, will

listen to me and be there for me and will give advice afterwards and trust

enough to know he won’t spread or talk about behind my back, then how the

hell can I open up to anyone else?” I still don’t know…